


In My Dark Times: Crossing The Grey

by RoseLyn28



Category: 1D - Fandom, Harry Styles - Fandom, Larry - Fandom, Larry Stylinson - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 11:56:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseLyn28/pseuds/RoseLyn28
Summary: Sequel to In My Dark Times. Written from Harry’s POV before and after meeting Louis Tomlinson at uni.Does have drugs, etc.





	1. Chapter 1

Harry Styles

It was a Friday night; that’s about all I could remember at the time; it had happened so fast.

I was 16.

It flashed before me many times when Darren was with me. How sometimes he acted the same way again... as if he was possessed by being superior to me. I never understood stood.

Zayn had taken notice first. He noticed months ago but he refused to tell me.

He didn’t understand why I let Darren be around me like I did; he felt he was too old, was a bad influence around me when he was drunk. He was most of the time.

This certain night, as we had drinks with Zayn, Liam, and Niall, Darren was all smiles with me, making me laugh like usual. It was a better day for us... we weren’t at each other’s throats over stupid things.

“But Harry was scared to death to do it,” Niall laughed about us bungee jumping in Dublin.

“He was,” Daren nodded and laughed at me.

“It was a long ways down,” I shrugged and smirked, “I shouldn’t have looked... should’ve just jumped with eyes closed.”

“It was intimating,” Darren nodded at me still looking at me like that.

“It was hard to record,” Niall laughed.

“I couldn’t do it,” Zayn shook his head.

“Jesus, I figured you out of everyone would be one to,” I giggled loudly, “you let me down.”

Zayn shrugged and laughed.

“It’s getting late,” I sighed and stared at my phone. Darren sat up immediately and grabbed his coat.

Zayn just stared at me as we got up; I told them bye and walked off with Darren. Zayn would be fucking pissed with me in the morning.

Darren drove my car all over London. We stopped at the Eye and laughed the entire time. We were high as kites.

When I arrived at his flat about 3 am, he was immediately going in and finding his cocaine; he knew me too well.

I smiled and did it as fast as possible before I picked up some pills from the dresser.

He sat down on the bed and switched on music and sighed. “How long you staying?”

“As long as you want, I guess?” I said back and swallowed the pills. “Haven’t plans.”

“Don’t usually,” he smiled and lit a cigarette. “So, when are you gonna give thought to asking the lads to leave.”

“I can’t ask them to do that,” I mumbled out, “you know I can’t. You told me they could move in.”

“I’ll move in,” he shrugged as if it didn’t matter to him anymore.

“You wanted to keep me a secret,” I whispered, “at least to the university. I’d never be able to go back... you wouldn’t either. I’m fucking 19, Darren.”

“I get that,” he threw his hands up, “but... it’s in my name. Besides, your mother knows me.”

“Not well enough,” I quickly stated, “we need to stay like this.”

“It’s a bit annoying,” he said softly, “at home, you’d tell your mum you were staying with Zayn. It’s different here, and it’s...”

“It’s enough,” I almost shouted.

He sighed and nodded, “I get it.”

I pushed back my hair and bit my lip. “I’m not getting expelled for fucking you.”

“Worse could happen,” he said again, “we both make enough money.”

“My mum would know,” I said irritably. “I’ve already ignored her enough. She wanted me to come this weekend.”

“So, go,” he said and smirked, “My House is there.”

I looked back at him, “you’d want me to stay all weekend.”

“Does it matter?” He asked almost harshly.

“I... I don’t guess,” I shrugged. “I don’t know if I wanna go.”

“We could make it a trip,” he shrugged, “I’ll buy tickets for us.”

I stayed quiet, knowing he was completely serious about the trip; he always was. He went out of his way to take me places.

“Fine,” I finally sighed and looked up. “Buy them.”

He grinned even more and got his laptop out while I took a seat on the bed. I stayed quiet while he bought the tickets to my home. I didn’t look forward to seeing Holmes Chapel again... but sometimes, I couldn’t turn down a great trip. He always made it worth while.

So, the next morning at 8 am, we were both packed up and leaving his flat. He would be taking m to his house first.

Our flight was quiet. I kept my eyes on the skies outside; people kept staring at me, almost as if they just knew I was too young to be with this dude. Maybe they thought we were related?

Darren really didn’t look like me at all. We were opposites in every way; he was more reserved, I wasn’t. I dressed outrageously and he didn’t. He was all business. I wasn’t. I guessed that maybe they could tell I was in it for money.

I thought that more than once. I wanted more than anything for them to be wrong... but they really weren’t. I suppose that I was.

We got to the airport still receiving looks as Darren stopped me at baggage and placed his hand on my waist while talking to me.

It was rather bothersome; I was never used to him touching me when we went to different places. It was like we were constantly on the run to keep to ourselves... to be ourselves.

Of course he was always affectionate everywhere we went; it didn’t always bother me... until I saw someone who reminded me of my mum.

That happened a bit.

He took my hand as we walked out, my eyes staying down. He didn’t look either as we hurried through the crowd.

He got a taxi and we soon were going to his place.

He had someone keep it up for him while he was in London with me; we had travelled here frequently.

It felt nice to have a place to be myself... even if it wasn’t always nice and pretty... even if it got troublesome a lot.

“Seems like ages,” I walked in and looked around at how clean the place was; someone had turned on the heat for him.

“Yeah, it’s been a while,” he smiled and immediately headed upstairs.

His bedroom light was on and I followed in to see candles everywhere. I shook my head and threw down my duffle.

“Nice,” I nodded, Darren smirking at me, “do you think you have enough?”

“They lead to the hot tub,” he pointed to his back deck.

I couldn’t help but grin and shake my head. I headed to the door and opened it, following the candles to the open hot tub, wine beside it.

I shrugged, took off my clothes and got in quickly, Darren laughing behind me.

“Didn’t take much,” he shrugged, “just a few hundred.”

“Hundreds?” I asked snorting.

“Yeah, had some party things added,” he winked at me and brought out a small box. Of course he had drugs here.

I took a joint and lit it, sighing and leaning my head back, the stars shining.

He was in with me in no time, taking the joint.

“Do they know about me?” I asked softly.

“No,” he looked back, “well, 2 do. Hard to keep you a secret here.”

I nodded and sighed, “they’re paid enough to not fucking care.”

“Yeah,” he said, “they make sure of that.”

I hit the joint, feeling so much less; I had taken fucking ecstasy before we left. I wasn’t sure why I preferred this feeling. It was as if I felt less this way.

But I also felt so much more; it was almost as if I would become another part of me that I wasn’t otherwise.

He handed the wine to me and I drank it quickly. He smirked at me and knew I felt so much better.

“My sister flew in last night,” I sighed. “I have to face her as well.”

“She loves you,” he said. “Stop. You’ll be great.”

I nodded, knowing he wanted me now. I wanted to keep talking. Wasn’t sure why.

His phone sounded and I looked at him surprised but laughed.

“Of course,” he shook his head and answered it while I laughed. “Hey. Yeah, tomorrow. I’ll take it tomorrow. They have to deliver it here. Yes. Ok, bye.”

I smirked, “selling down here... not surprised.”

He shrugged and leaned in some looking at my lips. He kissed me softly and I couldn’t help but lose myself for a few seconds, feeling as if I was in that different reality all of a sudden, where I craved the attention. Where I craved the touch... to be that person for just a few minutes.

Maybe people on the plane were right about me; I didn’t really crave money... I craved this. I craved to matter.

I craved his touch when we did it in the bed a few minutes later. I craved the kisses. I wanted to be someone to someone else so badly that I challenged it out through him.

He wasn’t a person to show he cared so much; he cared about me, not really how I felt. But for some reason, that always got blinded by him.

I knew I was in over my head and I didn’t care. I only cared about being in this area where everything was ok. Everything was allowed.

There was no black and white... there was a gray. I could see it. I could see this grey smoke that I somehow always disappeared into.

How? How did I? Was it the drugs? Yes. Was it that I wanted him to care about me? Yes. Did I love him? No. So, why was this so called gray area ok to me?

Why did I exist in it so well?

 


	2. Chapter 2

When I woke the next morning, I woke up sober and my head fucking killing me.

Darren was up already: he sat beside me texting on his phone in his shorts.

I reached for the box on the nightstand, keeping my eyes on my pillow.

He chuckled and watched me roll over and light a joint.

"Fucking hell," I sighed and coughed some, "I feel horrid."

"Too much last night," Darren snickered, "you always insist."

"I do," I said softly and stared at the ceiling.

"Your mum asked what time you were coming " he looked at me. "How long you going for?"

"Hour or so," I shrugged and sat up, pulling the covers up. "Figure she’ll wanna see me for a bit, you know."

He nodded, "just don't make it too long."

I stared back at him, questioning if he meant it.

"Are you serious?" I asked, "I came here for this."

"You came here because I offered to bring you," he glanced back, "Did you have the money?"

"Yes " I quickly snapped and hit the joint.

"Right... that money," he said and looked at his phone.

"Why... why are you acting like this?" I managed to get out.

"Nothing," he replied in a serious tone, "just would like to have you all to myself."

"You do enough," I got out slowly, though he was turning to me in a mere instant and kissing me. I tried to shove him off to begin with, but he wouldn't.

So, I gave up; I always gave up. He got what he wanted every single time. It was like I couldn't stop.

An hour later, I was dressed and leaving for my mum's, fighting the same battle in my head: why did I allow myself to give in to him?

I wanted to wash memories like that away; and as always, he would act completely fine afterwards. He'd treat me like me again.

I stayed quiet at my mum's. I talked a bit about school to her and Gemma. I talked about Zayn and the guys. I didn't mention Darren... she still Didn't know.

Gemma seemed happier than ever to see me; I had missed her. But I kept to myself so much now. I was so reserved in areas... so out going others. But my personal life was something I didn't want anyone knowing.

Maybe I was ashamed of who I was... I was never sure.

I caught a taxi to a nearby pub after, meeting Darren for drinks.

He and I sat at the bar laughing about everything; he got incredibly too drunk again. I had a feeling the whole weekend would be this way.

_______________________________  
“When I was 20, Darren took me to LA. It was a last minute trip he had planned for me. And... it was, at the time, really nice.

But a lot of the times, when you’re that young, you think these places and these things are just... wonderful. And they’re not. You can’t be who you are really. You don’t get that yet though.

When I was younger, I was influenced from an early age; we all are. No one isn’t anymore. Something influences us and we don’t stop it. We become this person who views the world differently, as if it’s not the same.

And I think when you let that person influence you and have an impact on your life, I think that most the time you need to step back and you need to see that you’re not the young person you were. You are this person that’s different, you start letting things really stop bothering you and you wonder why you let influences like that in your life, and I think that we all have it one point you know... because you don’t, at 20 years old, you don’t know what your life is going to be like... you don’t know if you love that person. It’s not love. You don’t know why you care more than you should.”

“Why did you see so differently when L became a part of your life?” The woman asks softly.

“I saw different because... he was this embodiment of beautiful, of funny. He was perfect,” Harry smiles warmly. “He was exactly what I had always wanted. And I just... I knew really quickly that I wanted my life to change... I wanted to be with him.”

“What do you think you’ve learned the most from this?”

“Probably the fact that... that you sometimes have to realize you’re hurting yourself... and others with having that... that victim’s mentality. It took a lot of Lou... it took a lot out of me. It hurt... I hated seeing him upset about something I felt like I couldn’t control. So, I think learning control of my mind has been what I’ve learned the most.

I can step back now and see that... I wasn’t really living. It was just... hard to think that I had wasted years on someone who hated me. He never loved me. And I knew that. So, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in on our relationship and I think... I was fucking stupid as hell. Why didn’t I listen to him? To them?”

“It was a wake up call.”

“It sadly was. A huge one.”

“Why did you feel most comfortable with him? Over L?”

“He was this person who had been around me since I was 14. I guess when he came to London, I almost felt like he was family. He always asked how I was about not seeing my dad. He knew I never did and that my dad had called me several times. He knew my dad and I weren’t as close anymore. So, he always made this point to ask me how I was.

I think he sort of grew into this... this older influence on me. I was 19, I trusted him with my life. I hate to admit it, but I did, yeah. It was fucking hard to not need that. I needed someone who took care of me, I thought then. I didn’t need anyone. But... yeah, he felt like family.”

“He was 37 when you were 20. How do you just go with that?”

“Umm, I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that drugs played a huge part in it. That’s also hard to admit, but again, we all have our influence. He kept stuff on him. I did as well. And we always fit better when we were out of our minds. We could talk about normal. We could act normal. So, it was just an age then. I didn’t see it for what it was. I felt close to him again... and yeah, I didn’t see it like that.”

“Did the people around you wonder if this was going on before you knew they did?”

“They did. My best friend knew early on. He thought Darren was just my professor who liked me... he didn’t think I’d like him back. He didn’t like it. And the tension between us only made the truth come out for Liam and Niall. They found out a bit before we met Lou. Louis hated him from the start. There wasn’t an ounce of remorse for him. And I can’t say that I blamed him now.

Zayn, I think knew that it was his house and his car. He knew I didn’t spend my money on myself. I never had. So, yeah, he probably knew. He never came forth and said it. He said it to Lou... not me. But he was right, so... who gives a kid a car like that? Someone who is that old? Yeah, he hated it.”

“So, the age was a problem for him, and your husband as well, I assume.”

“It wasn’t just the age. It was the fact that he and I... we didn’t belong together at all. I was nothing like Darren. I couldn’t be. He hated my free attitude. I guess because he was older and felt like I should’ve been more reserved. I just wasn’t. He hated that. We had arguments about how sometimes I was too responsible and others I was just a fucking kid who lived under his roof. So, toxic is an understatement. We didn’t belong.”

“Did he feel as if he had the most claim on you because he felt like he had been with you so long?”

“Yes. He did. Claim is a strong word, but yes. He told me more than once that if I needed to be with anyone, it was him. It was him who had done this, this... he would name off things. And of course we’d argue. I felt like he was a great friend, but he wasn’t my family, as much as he wanted to be. He wanted to leave college and just go somewhere. I turned him down more than once. It was this endless cycle of ok, to no, absolutely not. Won’t do it. Then, yeah, I’m ok with doing it. Just repeated itself.

It was traumatic for Lou. He wasn’t used to the things I had seen; he was rather sheltered, but... he learned really fast. He couldn’t believe the things I told him. But, he never judged me, I don’t think. He questioned me more than once... I questioned myself. I didn’t trust anyone, and they didn’t trust me. I was... unpredictable, not having a fucking care.

It didn’t matter if he showed up anymore. I didn’t feel anything. So, having that wake up call when Louis had went to his place... it hurt so much. I couldn’t cope with everything I felt. And I realized my friends were right the whole time... I didn’t think for myself.”

“He had that much impact on you.”

“He did. I didn’t know it. I think that the impact was equal... he was obsessed with me. But... I think he felt like I did... he felt like he couldn’t be away from me. It was almost as if we both didn’t want to, but we did. He just showed it a lot more than me. I’m not saying he wasn’t obsessed and elusive, he was. But, he needed me as much as I needed him at one point. It’s strange, but true.”

“He said he loved you.”

“Yeah, I almost believed him. I couldn’t though. He didn’t show it. Yeah, I always, always came first in his life, but... his actions spoke louder than anything he had ever told me, or tried to convince me of.”

“And you have proof of it all.”

“I do. He was actually pretty stupid in that department. He made sure to keep evidence on me. A lot of it I didn’t know about. So, yeah, I kept it. I wasn’t going down without a fight. I stood up for myself like I should’ve when I was 16.”

“He met you at 14? Class?”

“Yes. I had him the rest of my years. Little nerve wracking at the time, but no, not now. He changed a lot... or told me he did. He acted like he cared so much. Always. It was weird in a way... but yeah, I was young. I didn’t see it.

When I had his car, going out every night and just doing whatever, it felt great having that sense of freedom. I didn’t really. But I felt as if I did. I looked as if did. I had so many people on campus just eye me when I pulled up in that car. I started dressing like I dress... I don’t know, I guess I became cocky. Lou would probably say that if he had met me earlier. He should’ve.

But he saw it too when I tried to put up my usual front for people; didn’t work on him. He was different. He saw straight through me and he didn’t sit by... he asked me. He dared to ask me. He listened. And, ultimately, he got me out of it. Crazy to say now, but... he loved me more than I deserved during all of it. I had done so many things I regretted. But he didn’t love me less.

I think that was the biggest thing that hurt. I knew I didn’t deserve him. But I didn’t know how My mentality was then. Took a while.”

“Louis, what was it like watching him go through it and not being able to help?”

“Uh, it was debilitating. I... I wanted to do something so badly. I couldn’t do much more than I did. I would’ve spent years in prison for him though. He knows I would’ve. Zayn even agreed to, but Harry said no. And I didn’t think at the time that he was dealing with something I couldn’t really see.

Harry’s symptoms didn’t become obvious until right before the fight. It hurt, yeah. But... he did love him in a way he shouldn’t have. He knew better, but he was blinded by him. And the only way to unblind him was by removing him from the equation altogether.”

“At least he’s honest,” Harry smirks and nudges Louis.

Louis shrugs and smiles at him.

“Did you ever have certain periods where you would think clearly and realize what you were doing?”

“I had a lot of those. Happened every time I was sober... every time I was around Louis. It was like I could control it in certain atmospheres... but once I placed myself back in his presence, it was as if I changed. Until I finally got pissed with him. I did a lot. I did mostly over Louis... and it didn’t end pretty. I barely walked out. I really didn’t. My car was placed back at the house. Me inside.

I don’t even know now if he drove me or someone else did. I was that out of it.”

“And you were evaluated for a concussion later on. How was that?”

“Uh, I had one. They said I had had it for several months. I kinda already figured it. I stayed high, so I didn’t think clear anyways. But yeah. It was strange to see I had a physical affect from it. I thought it was all mental, emotional. Yeah, it was physical abuse every time, but I was guilty of fighting, even if I knew I wouldn’t win. And I didn’t, a lot. But... yeah, I don’t know. I found out about the concussion and thought, ‘wow... I’m pathetically stupid for ever being involved with him.”

“Did you feel the need to always give in to him?”

“All the time. But, then again, I was High most of it. Of course I would give in. It’s not like I could have stopped it. I wouldn’t have. I was way too out of it every time. I think he preferred it because I was easier to handle. So yeah, I always thought I should give in. I didn’t feel a lot of the Times. I felt like it wasn’t real a lot. Several of the times. I’d wake up the next day though and be in his bed and be like, ok. Yeah, I did it again. Then, it was get high and not care. That’s how it became for me. Use something, you won’t care you’re here with him. He’s sober. Yeah, I told myself a lot. I guess I tried to justify myself. I didn’t. I couldn’t.

And my day to day routine was like that; even after meeting Lou. I used a lot to cover it all up. When we had a long period of quiet from him, I did feel it more. I wondered where he was... I was constantly wondering what would happen. This was in Dublin. And yeah, I ran into him there. Still don’t know the full story on how he knew... I never put it past him.

But he found me at home again with Lou. It was one of the worst times between us. It’s how I ended up with my concussion. And when I had to walk back into that flat and look my friends in the eye when I’m covered in blood myself... I was scared to face them, to face Lou. I knew somehow in his mind that he would kill him somehow.”

“And it bothered you?”

“It did. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t want to lose Louis; I didn’t want to lose Darren. It was... just so weird to think that way.

And when I walked in after it happening, you know, looking like I had gotten jumped basically, it was so tense in the room. Even from Niall. I couldn’t handle it. I got high again. I couldn’t face them. I was ashamed of myself for no reason really.

I mean, I did take some of the responsibility. I did. But most of it was him. I was told that over and over. And I finally believed it.”

“What would you say to someone who went through this?”

“I’d say that not everyone cares about you, Your well being. They’re in your life and making an effort, but doesn’t mean they care. In fact, they can turn on you in a second. Make sure you actually care about someone before you get involved with them... make sure they care about you. Don’t... try to see it. You won’t see what’s not there. And too many will eagerly show you. Even if they seem like they care at first, really question it. I didn’t. I just sort of said, ok, and went on. I didn’t grow attached to him at first.

It was somewhere around my 19th birthday, few months after. I was going on 20. I really did try to see what he was underneath. I was foolish for it. It’s a hard lesson to learn. It is for anyone, doesn’t matter who they are.

So many relationships are superficial; someone might like you because, hey, you look amazing. You are amazing. You make them look good. I was that. At least when we were on holidays. I hated it, but he didn’t. It was always obvious.

So, not all people are really in it for you. They’re in it for different purposes. You don’t relate to them. They don’t relate to you. Just walk away. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Not for anyone. Don’t seek to matter to someone who treats you like shit. It doesn’t say a lot about you, but a lot about them. That’s honestly the best way to put it.” -H

 


End file.
